Blog Explained

double faces

Anyone who has been reading this blog for any amount of time must think I am bat shit crazy. Or that I have an abusive husband. Or that I am suicidal. Most likely all of the above. Therefore, this post is to explain who I am and the purpose of this blog.

I am a wife, mom, and therapist who has severe PTSD due to a whole slew of childhood trauma. I struggle to maintain boundaries with people I am in everyday contact with, and I tend to overshare my problems. Through the course of therapy, my therapist and I realized that a blog is the best way to communicate my feelings, be heard by people who may or may not care what I am going through, and not damage my current relationships through oversharing. I started a blog, lifeandptsd.wordpress.com and pour most of my writing energy into it right now. But, I shared that blog with my everyday world and feel I cannot be entirely truthful about the range of emotion, the type of abuse I endured, and the extent of my abuse… as well as who my abusers were. Therefore, I created this blog as an alternate outlet. I use this blog mainly as a journal when I feel I have nowhere else to go with the overwhelming feelings associated with PTSD.

Because of the intensity of my emotions at times, I usually blog on here when I am partially or fully dissociated and am in full fledged trauma response mode. Yes, my marriage has problems. No, his is not deadly. No, he has never hit me. No, I am not in immediate danger. No, he is not a sociopath. My trauma responses trigger my husband’s anger and sadness, which triggers my trauma response… it’s an ugly cycle that we are working together to break.

Yes, I struggle with self-harm. No, I am not cutting. No, I am not actively planning my suicide. I scratch. I’m working to stop because it is not a coping skill I wish to continue or escalate.

When I wake up in the morning after an ugly night, often the feelings have relaxed and I immediately come and delete any posts I may have made on here. I often feel shame and embarrassment, especially when there are comments… usually the comments are asking me not to harm myself or are urging me to get help for my marriage. I am very appreciative of the support. However, because I was at least partially dissociated when writing, the posts are ridiculous and just need to be deleted.

This blog is a journal, an outlet to overwhelming feelings by someone who is learning emotion regulation. That is why the feelings come out on here instead of onto my friends and family. I am learning that the waves die down, and if I’ve released these intense emotions on others, there is destruction in the wake.

If you read this blog, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support. Every one of your comments reminds me that I am not alone and that others truly care about me. If my blogs appear strange and ridiculous, I am not offended if you unfollow me 😉 I encourage you to take a look at my sane blog (url listed above) and see that I do have an in-tact marriage, a somewhat stable life that includes homeschooling my children, and am functioning (some days less than others, but on the less days I am posting on here instead of my other blog).

Photo credit: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2243324/Make-artist-Valeriya-Kutsan-creates-unique-collection-designs-using-black-white-paint.html

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Dear therapist

I wrote this email to my therapist. Transition is hard.

It’s hard to have a new therapist when I already trust the first one and I don’t want to give the second one a chance because if I trust her then I have to say goodbye to her too at some point and I feel scared and insecure because I always struggle with trust. I don’t want to open up to her. I am afraid of her and I want it to stay that way. I struggle with attachment and I’m scared. I don’t want to struggle with attachment anymore.